Entry #: 334 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-29 09:39:37
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| Name: |
Kitty Sandra Nelson, Portland Oregon DYKE |
| Web Site: |
TEN BEST FUCK FILMS OF THIS DECADE |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: Hi there Christers,
As Santa said, or did he?..... "I've been making my list and checking them twice just to see who gets toilet paper, perfumed and smells nice". Just kidding with SMILES to you, Princess Peussie. But here at the Academy of Jelqing in Chestnut Hill, PA, we have been making a list of the 10 GREATEST BUTT BUSTER MOVIES OF THIS PAST DECADE, and these are not only recommnended for viewing now, but they are compulsory viewing for students at the Academy. It's either that of "get your ass whipped and branded, boys"!
Here they are:
1) SARAH PALIN IN ENEMA LAND, a documentary on Sarah Palin and her Colonic Institute in Juno. Watch as cavities are filled and relieved and penetrated with every imaginable object. Gin, beer, vodka and Tequila enemas are top of Palin's list. Hands and cocks up for Sarah!! We give this film THREE JESUS POINTS FOR GOODNESS! The scene with Bristol getting her beer douche is utterly and sensationally humorous.
2) Adventurous sci-fi thriller FUCK ME HARD, JESUS, dealing with those 30 lost years of Christ, his sin-removal plan, and his hot romances with various men in India; this film packed them in at all of the gay bath houses where it was shown. The California SPANK ME, JESUS ASSociation puts this film at this top of its FUN WITH PERVERTS List!
3) JORDAN STROKES A LOAD, a new documentary on the life of young Jordan, Jew for Jesus, who developed the "next step" in the Art of Jelqing and found that his cock was about to fall off from the excercises. An enjoyable romp through lubri-land! The mass gay orgies scenes had everyone rolling in the aisles.
4) JESUS AND HIS GOD DAMNIT!, one of the finest films of this decade with the highlight scene being Jesus on the desert floor and trying to find his contact lens, then shouting GOD DAMNIT. A special award goes to the scat-projections and film effects!
5) THE LIMA CAVE BLUES! As we all know, some years ago Princess Peussie and her followers were in Miraflores, Lima, Peru, with The Princess seated at her pianola and singing torch songs while the toilets were overflowing with sins and depravities. The bar mysteriously caught fire and many sinners lost their lives during the concert. Luckily Princess Peussie, as told my Secretary Mary Mount, survived and made a film about this strange adventure. A sublime film.
6) ANDREA BOCELLI: A LIFE, A LOVE, A FALL OFF THE STAGE! what a tender and delightful film this is, winning so many awards for the now departed opera tenor Bocelli, who fell off the stage during his Detroit Opera debut and landed on two cellists who did not survive the evening. This warm film is told by Father Flinnegan who gave the Bocelli Requiem a send off with the Immortal Words: Bocelli is gone but his throat lives on...and so does my prick!
7) CUM DUMPSTER, rated by Confessions Online as the finest study of a compulsive materbator, his trials and tribulations as a Christian missionary, and how he won over his penis affliction by having it along with his testicles removed and sent to the Pope. Inspirational and enlightening!
8) BUSH FIRE, the documentary on 'lesbian vaginal fisting' as a hobby and profession; here we have Mary Mount of the Academy of Jelqing, presenting her fisting research in a delightful way, couched as a musical with 'sing along' subtitles for such songs as "No Hershey Highway for me" and "Bush Whacking". Here is one of the most important 'family films' of this past decade and one in particular for mothers to show their daughters.
9) SHIT ON YOU, GEORGE BUSH! a laugh-riot of a film which includes some newly discovered archival bits including Laura Bush in high school, selling drugs and killing other students with her car; Dick Cheney, seen vomiting all over the Oval Office with President Bush taking photos, is one of the funniest moments on film. Condi Rice makes an appearance with her blonde girlfriend, Grinda, and they have a 'farting duet' between themselves that is not to be missed!
10) FUDGEPACKER'S ROMANCE, the Number ONE thriller starring Mojo, Madre Loki and a host of butt pounding pirates and their mates; the ritual and initiation ceremnonies are amazing, and the use of the totem pole as dildo about as thrilling as one can expect from this super-charged Hollywood fuck-film.
It's a FAMILY MUST SEE film!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kitty Sandra, here in Fudgepacking Portland (and I'll be taking that course in sperm-cuisine at the Academy this Spring...see you perverts there)
PS: Here's the 'riddle' sent to me from Lima, Peru and the infamous Monkey Cave Bar. I'm confused, but maybe you all can help? I think it somehow deals with an answer to that tragic fire some years ago.
***************************
THE LIMA CAVE BLUES
A duel was fought between Alexander Nuts and John Cumshott in June, 1849.
Nuts was shot on Cumshott's face and Shott was not.
In this case it is better to be sott than Nuts with an empty nut sack.
Some said that Nuts was not really a cumshot.
But Cumshott said that he shot Nuts but just fucked up the shoot.
It may be that the shot Cumshott shot his rocks, shot Nuts in the marimba-zone, or it may be possible that the cum shot Cumshott shot, shot Blee himself.
We think however that the cum shot Cumshott shot, shot not Blee but Nut's nuts.
Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not shot but Nuts.
Butt what really happened at the Monkey Cave in Lima? Ask Jesus!
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Entry #: 333 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-25 17:22:51
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| Name: |
Zephir Schmidt, Iowa City, Iowa |
| Web Site: |
CATHOLICS: Beward of 'laced' egg-nog!!! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: Hello to all good Christians,
I know you've read about this attack on the Pope, but I think it's a tragedy that such things happen. This pope is trying to do his best under weird conditions. Last week, as a prank, some Vatican official emptied over 250 gallons of Jello into the Vatican swimming pool "so he could walk on water". The grounds people there are still scraping Jello from the sides of the pool. Is nothing sacred?
Merry Xmas, fuckers!
Zephir
______________________________
DRUNK POPE PARTIES ON !
Vaticana News Forum
Sister Immaculata Gouge, Reporting
Dec. 25 2009
Nazi Pope Benedict XXVVI delivered his annual Christmas Day address and blessing before a packed St. Peter's Square on Friday, hours after being sobered up from his annual egg-nog party. During the Xmas Eve Mass he was violently knocked to the floor by a nun who lunged at him before Christmas Eve mass, screaming, "You didn't mention Mother Teresa, you fucker!". Noted for his purity and sense of humor, the Bavarian Pope, at the height of his annual party, turned to the hundreds of pederasts and priests, smiling and saying, "Ok, boys, I'm ready for my blessings to all those waiting assholes out the in St. Square's peter. Smiles to you, Princess Peussie".
A young nun vaulted the barriers in St. Peter's Basilica, tearing off her outfit and throwing herself at the pope as he walked down the main aisle before the start of Thursday evening's mass. The 82-year-old pontiff fell, headfirst, to the floor but quickly got up, farted a number of times and waved to the cameras. The Vatican press said he wasn't hurt but actually found the attack "rather amusing". The Pope's annual egg-nog party just prior to the Xmas Mass, was according to CONFESSIONS ONLINE 'a real blast' and even though coffee and speed were consumed by the Pope and his male guests, nothing could help the fact that he was 'drunk as a catholic skunk' throughout the entire night as reported by his press secretary. His press secretary stated, "That old German motherfucker can party like no end, or maybe someone else's end, or something or other, and who put the goofy LSD into that egg-not? Shit, Man, I think I just saw the Virgin Mary doing a tap routine on the high altar."
The 87-year-old French Cardinal Roger Etchegay, who was also stumbling down the aisle, fell and fractured his right arm and accidentally slammed his gonads against one acolyte's face, and was rushed to the Vatican SPANK ME, JESUS Office for a prostate massage and some testicle relief.
Rev. Federico Lombardi-Blee said in a press statement, "Hey, this could have been much worse and some of the choir boys, who also attended the party where everyone was liquored up, might have not been able to find their music for the Mass, let alone their underpanties or their assholes". Cardinal Etchegay is one of the Holy See's most prominent and rich prelates. He told his Vatican secretary that he felt "I'd be feeling so much better if I could just have a few of those Sarah Palin egg-nog enemas".
The Vatican identified the woman as an armless 25-year-old Swiss-Italian nun with psychiatric problems, and said she had been taken to a clinic for treatment before her execution. The same deformed nun had tried to reach the pope during Midnight Mass last year, a Vatican official added, but was 'so buzzed on heroin' that she kicked and smacked two visiting priests and one pickpocket instead.
The incident in St. Peter's Basilica comes weeks after Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berluscunti was attacked during a quick visit to an Italian porto-potty in Milan. The attacker, a man with a history infamous street 'happenings', threw a statuette of Milan's Duomo Cathedral at the Prime Minister, breaking his jaw, poking out an eye, and cracking two of his teeth. Mr. Berluscunti, who hasn't made a public appearance since, has linked the attack to a political "climate of less than funny pranks."
On Friday, the pope stuck to his Christmas schedule as planned. After his morning enema, he delivered his mid day address from the balcony of St. Peter's, the pope -- appearing tired -- decried the financial and moral crisis gripping The Vatican Bank and requested that 'the faithful' relieve themselves of their jewelry and credit cards "in the name of God".
After his address, the pontiff wished Catholics around the world a Merry Christmas in 65 languages, including Ukranian, Pig Latin, Turkish, Ethiopian, his native garbled Bavarian German and Latin. Then, standing at the balcony overlooking the cheering crowd in the square, he delivered his annual "Urbi, Burbi, Kurbi et Orbi" (Latin for "To the Rich Go My Smiles") blessing, granting forgiveness of sins to all well-healed Catholics.
On Friday, Italy's RAI state TV aired repeated images of the incident on Thursday night. Prizes were given for the best KNOCK KNOCK WHOSE THERE? jokes from the immediate public.
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Entry #: 332 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-24 09:00:23
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| Name: |
Rex Tisdale, Denver, Co. Jesus NUT |
| Web Site: |
OHIO MOM: "MERRY XMAS, YOU LITTLE CUNT" |
| Site Rating: |
9 |
Visitor Comments: WOW, what a great xmas story for those of us who believe in the miracles of Jesus and his Mother. I read this article and it warmed my heart (and my nuts, Smiles to you, Princess Peussie) since it's great to know that xmas for that little thief will be spent in jail for her sins. Her poor mother and that retarded son. I saw photos of this family and other than the retard clearly trying to masterbate himself with his hand in his pants, I thoight they looked like a nice group. God only knows where the Dad is, if in fact there is one, but at least ONE LESS THIEF on the street.
Praise Jesus and let's all sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, JESUS. MAY YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN FOR ONE FUCKING LONG TIME!!
Merry Xmas, and jingle those balls, guys. SMILES, AGAIN
Rex
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SLASHBURGER PRE-TEEN OFF TO JAIL FOR XMAS
Ohio Press Centre
Nana Blee, Reporter at Large
Dec. 23, 2009
COLUMBUS, Ohio — An Ohio woman who asked that police be called after she caught her 6-year-old daughter shoplifting a package of condoms, some lubricant, amyl nitrite, a package of balloons and a set of large rubber dildos said Wednesday that she was just trying to teach the girl a lesson early in life.
Diana Lyons said she doesn't believe she overreacted when she discovered the girl, Shaune, had taken the $300 packages of condoms, drugs, and other sexual toys. Lyons' retarded 17 year old son told her about the theft and related how in the past his young sister had penetrated his rectum with various objects including strawberry jelly, rosary beads and a large carrot, telling him that 'her doctor did that to her and she wanted me to enjoy it too.'
Chief Ronald Yang of the Carrolton Police Department in eastern Ohio arrived at the Discount Drug Mart Dec. 15 and took the girl to the police station in his cruiser before releasing her to Lyons, according to Yang's report.
Yang told Lyons the girl sat quietly in the car on the way to the police. He told the press, "Little Shaune was soft spoken and somewhat amused when she offered all of us some beautifully rolled joints of marijuana. She related how she and her mother always went shopping at the Discount Drug Store "where we scored lots of drugs including diet pills. Mom knows the best way to crush them up and smoke them in her bong before hustling for our dinners and shit like that".
"I don't think I went too far," Lyons said in a phone interview. "You've got to catch them when they first start if they do something wrong. My retarded son has been having violent bowel pains and after one visit to the hospital, the doctors removed part of a Barbie doll from his anus along with a set of chop sticks, a pen knife and 4 small rubber duckies. Sometimes I just feel like my little daughter is one major cunt."
Lyons, 61, asked about collecting a $3 reward for turning in shoplifters but decided not to follow up because she felt bad about doing it. She told the police, "I don't need the money right now, but we are looking for a new reality show to come out of this, and maybe some kind of film contract. We originally thought of flying her in a gigantic balloon, but that's already been done and was kind of a flop."
"People think that I set her up or something to get the reward. Shaune has suffered from fits and bouts of hysterical crying recently and it might be some kind of withdrawal from her rather serious problem with heroin," Lyons said.
Lyons said she's seen parents give children flogging sessions in similar situations but felt that wasn't enough in Shaune's case. She's confident the girl learned her lesson. "We believe in Jesus, and attend our local SPANK ME, JESUS Club on a regular basis. Perhaps the whippings weren't enough there, but I had hoped that her female circumcision a year ago might help with this problem of being caught. At that time I told her that it was best to have her clit cut out just to calm her down".
Chief Financial Officer Tommy Bender said he could recall at least one other time in a store where parents also asked that police be called on a shoplifting child. He added, "The problem was simply solved in a rather tragic way. It appears that this 3 year old boy, caught taking some chewing gum, died in his police cell from self inflicted injuries around his gentials."
A parent's own discipline is typically more effective when dealing with a young child's wrongdoing, said Stanley Gold, a child clinical psychologist in Middletown, N.Y.. He detailed important training lessons and his suggested therapies including having the child sleep outside in a tent during winter, being tied down, 'pegged', as therapists call it, to the ground with large spikes then totally shaved and branded. He told the press, "I've known cases inwhich the child returned to a normal behavior pattern after a month long period of Sarah Palin gin enemas".
"You're asking police to do something that's not in their training," said Goldstein, author of "Troubled Misfits/Troubled Sphincters." Dr. Gold added, "I'm not positive that all of those marathon-sodomy sessions given children really helps their growth. Oh, they grow to love the experiences with the police, but it does become an addiction".
"They're not experts on kids; they're experts in patrolling the community." Photos of the arrest can be seen via CONFESSIONS ONLINE.
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Entry #: 331 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-23 20:38:11
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| Name: |
Mojo, "A NEW WINNER HERE?" |
| Web Site: |
SANTA BUSTS HIS NUTS! PRAISE JESUS!! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments:
Looks to me like we already have a possible Xmas Story winner for next year. I just had to include it now for your pleasure, as it has that 'flavor of the Nativity, the Holy Family, and coated with a dash of fun and diarrhea'. Can one ask for more? Well, ok, a festival celebration of the Birth of Christ just isn't at its best without that Sarah Palin rum+eggnog enema, is it? My pre-teen son plans to give me mine this eve, and I'll give him his beer enema later on at the Chestnut Hill SPANK ME, JESUS Club Xmas party later tonight. Everyone loves to see Little Corky bend and sputter beer out of his little asshole while we blast Xmas carols on the high-fi system with dead tenor Andrea Bocelli screaming his heart out.
Here's the promised story. Do you agree with me? It puts me into the Holiday Mood for fucking sure....and remember what we say at the Academy of Jelqing:
JESUS RULES FOR FUCKING SURE!
MOJO
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Santa’s SEXY NATIVITY ORGY
CONFESSIONS ONLINE Press Coverage
Direct from Chestnut Hill, PA
Dec. 23 2009
Gordon Spint, Reporting
************************************
Local "Santa" reports his xmas fuck events!!
I had come to look forward to playing Santa Claus for the local shopping mall particularly when it was planned as part of the Nativity Scene. But this year, unlike years past, I would not be working alone. Mall management had hired a couple of college kids to assist me as my elves, or butt-boys as they are known in the 'trade'; fine by me because they were both eighteen or nineteen, and damned good looking fruitcakes.
I could tell as I watched them change into their costumes that they weren’t exactly thrilled about dressing up in green tights and red tunics, but they looked great. The mall supervisor had asked the two 'elves' to "make sure your crotches are stuffed so you look like you're ready to take on any daddy or mommy in the various dressing rooms. If you find this tasteless, wait until you see what we do over in the Nativity Scene with the Virgin Mary sucking off every male shopper who comes along".
Really cute. I especially liked the way their tights clung to their cock filled jocks. One could even see various 'problems' with pre-cum just dripping its way through the costume. I had also noticed that my elves had wondering eyes. They were far too busy admiring one another’s limp tools and smooth, slender asses to notice that they both gave Santa a right jolly old hardon. I was thinking "I'm going to fill their xmas stockings and have them turn into sperm fountains".
It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and the Nativity Scene was going full swing with Virgin Mary, panties torn and dropped onto the plastic face of plastic Baby Jesus, and I thought to myself, "that whore is getting more of the action, and Joseph, little baby Jesus' father, is just standing around and having various teenage mall rats suck him off, damn, let's get on with the show".
Exhausted, I went to change out of my costume, my loyal helpers had preceded me by a minute or two. Upon entering the dressing room I was stunned by the playful frolic of my
elves. They were both stark naked, each boasting a magnificent erection. As I sat down and began to remove my boots they swiftly approached me. “You know,” one said to the other, “we’ve not yet sat on Santa’s knee and told him what we want for Christmas.” Each of them straddled a knee rubbing the supple cheeks of their adorable round fannies against the soft
velvet of my pants legs. The one elf, Johnny, cut loose with a fart that had all of us laughing and he stated, "Can't help myself, Santa; I just had a Sarah Palin beer enema with my elf-friend".
The elf on my right knee, whose name was Chad, said to Paul, the elf on my left. “This isn’t fair. Everyone always tells Santa what they want for Christmas, but nobody ever asks Santa what he wants.” At that moment I ran my fist up his punkie, tight asshole and he got the message fast!
At my suggestion, we pulled up our costumes and headed out of the dressing section and over to the Nativity Scene, now a mass of pulsating, fucking bodies with the little shepherd boy leading the pack, his mouth and anus filled with dripping and swollen cocks. Someone had just pissed all over the Virgin and the plastic baby Jesus and a number of participants stood their screaming with hysterical laughter.
I thought TIME FOR ACTION, and remembering some of the stories I had heard about xmas parties at the Bush White Trash House, I got to work on my elves. I immediately plunged my tongue deep into the ass on the second elf. There was a subtle difference between the two, no doubt attributable to some slight difference in body chemistries, but I found Paul’s self assessment to be accurate. I would not have taken pleasure in having to choose a favorite between them, for it would have been an impossible choice. They each, in their own uniqueness, tasted absolutely scrumptious inspite of the 'diggle berries'.
“Finger fuck me, Santa,” employed Chad.
“Oh yeah,” Paul chimed in. “Finger fuck us both.” Chad whipped out some cocaine and a few heavy joints and manage within a minute to get all of us 'lit up' to the point of a frenzy.
“I want to suck Santa’s cock,” said a little 8 year old girl watching this event. “Me first!” Her dad grumbled selfishly.
Like famished puppies at dinner time, this Dad and his little daughter scrambling to
latch hold of my gonads, dove between my legs, pawing and slapping at each other as they relieved me of my remaining sperm bank.
Still disguised as the jolly old Spirit of Xmas I had been portraying for the last five weeks, I leaned back and sighed heavily, cutting loose with a wild fart followed by a massive blast of diarrhea. Without saying a word we all looked at one another and smiled knowingly. Yes indeed, my elves had given this Santa a Yuletide joy he will cherish for many Christmases to come. The sounds of "Away in the Manager" floated over the crowd along with the smell of newly exploded shit from my holiday asshole!
I Praise Jesus for these gifts!    |
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Entry #: 330 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-23 12:12:45
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| Name: |
Jerry "Jesu" Bambina, Honolulu |
| Web Site: |
SARAH'S NEW TITS FOR CHRIST! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: Yes, Sarah was here and left stains all over the place. She said she wanted to travel "incognito" but when asked what that meant to her, she answered, "My bowel-cogs are so neato" and got a few laughs from her local fans who stood on the side line and shouted, "Hurry with that putt-putt, Sarah! The Russians are coming and plan to ruin our xmas praising Lord Jesus!"
She did have a few laughs at the local SPANK ME, JESUS Club when she couldn't get her panties down for her spanking session. No matter! I just got out some scissors and cut them off the bitch before the paddle came down and she paid for her sins!
She did say that her newly pregnant daughter had some how set their xmas trip on fire via her drug equipment and felt that her 'retard' brother probably knocked over the lit bong causing the fire. In a festive mood, Bristol told the local press, "well, if this wasn't the fucking holiday season, I'd bury that retard bastard alive while mom is out whoring with 'friends' in Hawaii. However, Praise the Lord, and Happy Birthday, Jesus".
That's the news from Hawaii.
Jerry
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McCain: PALIN IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY SLUT !
FUXNewsExpress
Cindy Pandernast, Reporter
Dec. 20 2009
Sen. John McCain brushed off the semi-controversy over his former running mate's refusal to wear underpanties Sunday, attributing the local DC chit-chat and talk show chatter about Sarah Palin's vacation lack of underwear to "hysterical attacks" from the left and "just those people who do not approve of her enema parties". He told CONFESSION ONLINE: "Sarah loves to feel that breeze as it now and then wafts through and into her private parts. She also told me that because of serious stomach problems with gas 'emissions', she just didn't like the stains left behind from her behind, even after one of her whiskey enemas. Smiles, Princess Peussie".
The former Alaska governor was photographed wearing a "McCain-Palin" t-shirt that emphasized her newly acquired breast implants. McCain's name was crossed out on the shirt, while she was on vacation in Hawaii. She claimed she was just trying to go "incognito, leaving her 'retard' back at home, but was still looking out for any Russians coming her way". She cut her vacation short when she found out that her daughter Bristol "the Pistol" is pregnant again. She told the press, "That daughter of mine! I really should make her return to the Juno SPANK ME, JESUS Club and have her ass worked on, but she would probably fuck every guy in attendance. Praise Jesus, I'm at a loss.... and it's the Democrats fault, every fucking one of them.
McCain told "Fux News Sunday" he understands Palin's pitiful reasons, and said he has a "wonderful relationship" with her family, "and besides the family dog, Mikey, I've fucked her a few times myself. Hell, she gives it away like it's a stained, edible Hershey Bar, sort of like those at the past Bush White Trash House".
"Can't you take her at her word? Lots of suckers can and actually do," he said. "She's going to be a major force in the new ANDREA BOCELLI: DEAD OR ALIVE Fan Club for a long time and the hysterical attacks on her from the Alaskan lesbians continue to validate that."
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Entry #: 329 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-18 08:13:36
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| Name: |
MOJO, Royal Palace of Princess Peussie |
| Web Site: |
NUMBER ONE WINNER: FUCK YEH!! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: Dear Fans of the Princess and Jesus Our Lord and Master (don't spank me, Master! ouch thanks!!, and smiles)
Last year at this time we decided to ask our SPANK ME, JESUS club members here in Chestnut Hill to vote on their very favorite 'statement' or story left here in this guest book, and we would print that at this holiday season, when enemas are being handed out along with the prostate massages and a few mistletoe finger-fucks. And HERE IS THE WINNER, the Living Nativity Scene. You'll love it as much as we do....and plan to make yet another visit to that actual Nativity and just kick the SHIT outta the slut playing the role of the Virgin Mary, and maybe even steal baby jesus.
ENJOY AND HAVE A SLOPPY HOLIDAY!
MOJO, hit man for Princess Peussie
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WHY I LOVE XMAS !!! (let's put the X back into Christmas!)
Last year around this time, I was driving back from Philadelphia to New Hope, an annual Xmas event and staying with a friend there, and nearly reaching our destination, we came across a rather strange scene in a smaller town nearby. My driver-friend and I pulled over for a good look. Each year on this busy thoroughfare the community sets up a Nativity Scene right there on the side of the road for everyone to see and possibly admire.
The startling and disturbing thing about this Nativity Scene? Everyone was there: Mary, Joseph, and a plastic dolly for Jesus, plus a shepherd boy, the three KINGS, and a few assorted nut-cases looking on, probably the inn keeper and some riff-raff villagers. But the strange thing about all of this: THE CHARACTERS IN THIS JESUS EVENT WERE ALL REAL HUMANS AND POSING IN SUCH STRANGE BIBLE COSTUMES, some made from bed sheets, others from old curtains. Not weird yet? well think about this: it was about 5 below zero and my nuts, even in the heated car, were freezing not to mention my nipples.
So what did I view as we actually got out of the car for a better look? These real-life Bible characters pretending to be doing this religious birthday scene, and the only one there not freezing his nuts off? the plastic Baby Jesus, who clearly couldn't have given a rat's ass about anything. Here's the 'kicker' to this very COLD scene: there were, along with the two of us, about 12 other 'tourists' with video devices, flash cameras and a few dudes from the local tv station looking for a story (WHAT the fuck did they think they would get? a new twist to the tale?) They were all not at a distance but up close and IN this fucking, freezing manger scene. I said, IN THIS MANGER SCENE! One young girl had her camera up to the face of Mother Mary, flashing pics and asking "Mary" to pose this way and that....and MARY was clearly freezing and very angry when she muttered, "Get the fuck outta here, you little cunt" (yeh, I heard it with my one non-frozen ear left me).
Another tourist, with his very expensive camera, fell backwards trying to photograph the three kings or wise asses (and someone's pet dog, now peeeeing on part of the scene), and fell directly over the crib and Plastic Baby Jesus. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry. So I laughed....ofcourse! This tourist then got up, picked up the plastic dolly and put it back in the broken wooden crib, trying to adjust the mangled 'halo' made from wire-coat- hangers, then continued with his photo documentation. Over all of this was the sound, piped in through very, very cheap loudspeakers of that dreadful carol, LITTLE DRUMMER BOY sung by dead and deadass tenor Andrea Blowjelly, blind as a donut. I for one have never figured out how this little drummer boy had anything to do with Jesus, his birth, or anything at all, other than to make some dumbass noise and disturb the "holy event". Truth is: I couldn't give a flying fuck, but nevertheless, it is an interesting question, no? So as this Nativity Scene was quickly falling to pieces with the characters freezing and being furious over the tourists and their cameras, and the cars on the street backed up, honking and someone yelling out his car window, "What the fuck is going on here, idiots?", we got back in the automobile and took off at full speed. IT WARMED MY HEART! And by the way, snow, frozen testicles, and a winter scene for the Nativity? since when is there snow ever in Bethlehem? Someone write and tell me. But then, who actually gives a shit? I don't!!   |
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Entry #: 328 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-17 07:46:50
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| Name: |
Jordan Solomon |
| Web Site: |
Name:Mary Christmas, Terrorist |
| Site Rating: |
9 |
Visitor Comments: Well fuck it, I tried being a good guy, and now I'm resorting to being an 'insular' Jew. Yep, just like Woody said, "Jew with a Vengence". And why all of this? Groove time, maybe, and I just don't give a rat's turd for jesus and his mob of weird fucks. But go to admit that when I read this article about Mary Christmas causing such a noise and smashing up a statue of Santa, well, my faith in NONSENSE was renewed.
What the shit am I talking about? well here's the article and god bless CONFESSIONS ONLINE. Without that news source and info from the Academy of Jelqing (where I was thrown out for sucking off various guys there) I'm clueless and want to know what is going on in the world.
We Three Kings of Orient are,
Made of dog shit, made of tar!
Smiles, Torah,Gamorrah, Minorah, Ignorah....SMILES again!!!
Jordan
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Mary Christmas Destroys Santa
December 14, 2009
CONFESSIONS ONLINE News Break
Talia Vandervorst, Reporting
Christmas got busted. A 74-year-old Florida woman named Mary Christmas was arrested by Boynton Beach police yesterday and charged with resisting arrest without violence.
According to the police report, Officer Alex Lindsee was interviewing a woman last evening while investigating a disturbance when Mary Christmas began yelling at another woman "so loud that it caused the female I was interviewing to start screaming and shitting in her pants. The smell was horrible and the customers in the store began to vomit all over everything. For a short while I was upset, but then with the shitting and barfing along with the screams and farts, well I just had a good laugh and shouted MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU FUCKING TURDS."
Mary Christmas, known to her local 'druggie connections as XMAS', had been shoplifting bras and hundreds of chocolate dildos from the Specialty Department of Macys, when she was caught masterbating in a ladies dressing room. Officer Lindsee heard the violent groans and shouts of "Fuckin hole, take this fist" and entered the womens changing area only to be hit with a flying 5 pound chocolate dildo. He told the press, "Bad enough, but I hate chocolate. This whore then whipped her wrist out of her own pussy and gave me the finger. At that moment I just got angry, knocked her to the floor and pissed all over her, saying, YOU are off to the SPANK ME, JESUS Club for some training and discipline. As I applied the handcuffs, I decided to cool her down by pissing on her, which gave her a mild case of hysterics. At that moment she fell over a full sized statue of Santa Claus, totally destroying it."
After refusing the officer's request to stop saying 'hateful things about Jesus Our Lord", Christmas was arrested using a "bent arm takedown with a dash of sodomy." She was then gagged and taken to the police station for processing and an hour's worth of floggings. The local President of the SPANK ME, JESUS CLUB arrived with his Sarah Palin enema and colonic kit plus two bottles of whiskey for the actual 'internal cleansing' and with two bodyguards removed Christmas to his waiting truck. According to one bodyguard, "She is the worst Christmas experience I have ever had, acts like she's a fucking guest at the G. Bush White Trash House, and will be branded and put into the 'prisoners holding cell' at the SPANK ME Club House. Our annual Holiday Sex Party is tomorrow night, and this whore will learn to take cock in every hole she owns".
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Entry #: 327 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-16 09:50:25
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| Name: |
Mary Mount, Academy of Jelqing, Philly |
| Web Site: |
A MINUTE OF QUIET OBSERVATION: ORAL WENT ANAL, NOW DEAD MEAT! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: 
Let's spend a moment reflecting on the wonders and prosperity of Brother Oral.
Princess Peussie, his devoted friend in time of need and "speed", requests that we bow our heads, release some stomach gas, and smile at the thought of Roberts and his good deeds. Princess Peussie stated this morning at the Breakfast Enema Session, "Our dear brother, Oral, gave up the ghost. We praise him for giving up his addiction to cocaine and heroin this past week, and hope he remains clean in Heaven and before God".
We praise and worship you, Princess Peussie!
___________________________________________
Evangelist Oral Roberts dead!
By JUSTIN ZAPAV, Associated Writer
TULSA, Okla. – Oral Roberts, who helped pioneer TV evangelism in the 1950s and used the power of his bank account and scam activities — and his bullshit message of God's healing power — to build a multimillion-dollar ministry and a white 'fascist university' that bears his name, died Tuesday. He was 97 and full of new 'Jesus-ideas and money making projects'.
Roberts died of complications from various social diseases in Newport Beach, Calif., according to his spokesman and hit-man, Larry Shid. The evangelist was hospitalized after a drunken fall on Saturday.
Roberts rose from humble enema revivals to become one of the nation's most famous and influential
"Criminals for Christ" . Along with Billy Graham, he pioneered religious TV, and he played a major role in bringing American Pentecostal fairy tales about Jesus and his gang into the mainstream of myth and nonsense.
He also laid the foundation for the "prosperity gospel," the doctrine that has come to dominate televangelism. It holds that God rewards the faithful with material success, even if it means "robbery of the infidels, rape of the barbarians, and includes memberships in the Princess Peussie SPANK ME, JESUS CLUBS INTERNATIONAL and the relatively new SARAH PALIN ENEMA CONVENTIONS. Its critics say it is used by preachers to enrich themselves at the expense of their followers. Roberts told the press last year, "I love to be rich, and see nothing wrong taking it off of these suckers and jerks who believe the shit I hand out. Their loss!! Don't blame me for greed. I didn't create it. God did!"
Roberts overcame stomach gas problems and colitis at age 17, when his brother carried him to a revival meeting where a evangelist was praying for the sick. Roberts said he was healed of the "farting illness" and his stuttering. He affirmed, "When I stopped stuttering, then I was able to suck cock and titties more effectively, and that was considered my NUMBER ONE TALENT along with JESUS AND HIS SO CALLED MIRACLES. I sure used that kaka most effectively on the opiated masses, and God knows, I drained alot of gonads in my life".
He said that it was then that he heard God tell him he should build a university based on the "Lord's messages of RIPS OFFS AND PLUNDERINGS" — a promise fulfilled in 1963, with the founding of Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. "We created, thanks to God, very strict rules about sex and violence....with the statement: USE THEM WHEN NECESSARY IN THE NAME OF GOD" was his sermon time and time again.
He gave up a pastorate in Enid in 1947 to pursue a strain of evangelism in which he called for prayer to heal the whole person — body, mind and spirit. The philosophy led many to call him a "faith healer," a label he rejected with the comment: "God heals — I just collect the payoffs."
He credited his oratorical skills to his faith, saying: "I become anointed with God's word and His Word was "GRAB ALL YOU CAN GET", and the spirit of the Lord builds up in me like an enema tube about to flood the bowels of the sinner. By the time I'm ready to go on, my mind is razor-sharp and my machine-gun loaded for the 'kill'. I know exactly what I'm going to say and I'm feeling like a power-house motherfucker if ever there was one....and there was and is, and IT IS ME. THAT is why they call me ORAL: I can drain a guy's cock with a five minute blow job, and after that, he's mellow and poorer than a church mouse. SMILES TO YOU, Princess Peussie."
While many of colleagues in healing evangelism were flamboyant in their preaching, Roberts was subdued in his delivery. His long sermons were filled with stories, off-colored jokes and anecdotes, and at the end of a service, the faithful would form a long healing line. Roberts would clasp his hands on each person's crotch, shutting his eyes and opening his pants zipper while he prayed. He told Time Magazine in 1983, "That kind of action always gave me a boner".
Roberts also espoused his "Seed-Feed" theology, which held that those who give to God will get things in return. He told his office staff of males, "Feed me the Seed, and God will love you. Yes, He will love you. I will fuck you".
The campus of Oral Roberts University is a Tulsa landmark, with its 200-foot prayer tower and a 60-foot bronze sculpture of playing fists, modeled on Roberts' hands. His male secretary, Bobby Everett, told the press, "Those fists love God, and they certainly love to climb any and all anal canals in search of the Truth....and a few turds".
His organization also suffered from the effects of sex-and-money scandals involving other televangelists and his friends including Jim and Tammy Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart in the 1980s.
Roberts was semiretired in recent years and living in California when scandal roiled Oral Roberts University. Roberts' son, called "Poopy" by his close friends, sent forty of his 'followers' on a sex-vacation, round the World, preaching the Word of God while participating in strange sexual initiations and voodoo rites. His son, who succeeded him as president, resigned in 2007 after being accused of spending university money on shopping sprees, orgies, travels and other luxuries such as expensive masterbation machines for his various office staffs and all at a time the institution was more than $500 million in debt. It was the first time in the university's history that a member of the family was not in charge of the private bank.
The rocky period was eased when billionaire Oklahoma City businessman Mart Greenberg, a Jew for Jesus, donated $70 million and helped run the school. Earlier this fall, things were looking up, with officials saying small amounts of money in debt had been paid off and enrollment was up slightly.
"He was not only my earthly father; he was my spiritual father and mentor and taught me the facts of Life, how to change my underpants after sex, how to wipe my lips after eating cock or pussy, and how to get into any bank account today via online scam operations," Richard Robertson, Oral's private photographer and 'aide in collecting a vast amount of delightful pornography', said in a statement.
Graham said: "Oral Roberts was a man of God, and he said that 'God was a man like me' and a great friend, although I must admit that I'd never turn my back on that funny scumbag. I loved him as a brother, or a mother or a puppy dog's tail, SMILES AGAIN, PEUSSIE, but he just had that uncanny ability to distract anyone while dipping into their purses or billfolds. Such talent when it came to downright theft, Praise Jesus Our Lord. FUCK YEH..."
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Entry #: 326 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-14 09:42:42
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| Name: |
Lawrence Tanner, Iowa City 'cum shots' |
| Web Site: |
PRAISE JESUS: She beat his meat!!! |
| Site Rating: |
10 |
Visitor Comments: I really must write you all here that I find serving this cripple guy a steak when he's a vegetarian? well that is a bit over the edge to me, but keeping the dinner steak in the cat box, bringing it out of that smelly place covered with cat turds, and then hitting this crip is just abit 'retard', right? I haven't read of any recipe for steaks like that in the Bible. This Elsa Egan is clearly a chick lost in her ways to Christ in Heaven. I'll pray for her at the next SPANK ME, JESUS meeting here in Iowa City. Poor whore.
Best to you all,
Larry
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SHE BEAT HIS MEAT OFF! Praise the Lord!
Woman attacked 'crip' with uncooked steak and cat turds
Florida Press Coverage
Nancy Feingold, Reporter at Large
DECEMBER 8 2009
Elsa Egan, Florida woman, 63, is facing a felony domestic abuse charge for allegedly striking her boyfriend over forty times in the head with a raw steak covered in cat turds, according to police.
Egan, a member of the South Florida SPANK ME, JESUS Club was arrested last night after a confrontation in the trailer home she shares with Peter Schobutt. The 19-year-old Schobutt is described in a Marion County Sheriff's Office report as disabled and terminally ill with anal cancer from two years of non-stop Sarah Palin whiskey enemas. He told cops that Egan, his live-in girlfriend of 16 days, struck him "on top of his head with an uncooked steak (approximately 10-16 oz.) and that ugly fucking cunt knows I'm a vegetarian. She has abused and pissed on me and she calls that LOVE," after they quarreled about prayers to be said at dinner and before sex.
Schobutt wanted to offer his soul and liver to Satan during the pre-meal prayers. Egan, however, wanted him to "jump into the meal, and eat sliced bread with a newly created butter spread mixed with his sperm." "He said that when he refused, she attacked him with the steak, yes, she grabbed it out of the cat box and just slammed me good," reported Deputy Carmen Gall to CONFESSIONS ONLINE, who noted observing slight redness on Schobutt's right butt cheek and the crown of his head. Egan told the police, "Oh that's from the spankings I gave him earlier tonight. Take a look inside his asshole if you want to find the cucumber. Tastes like some of the salads served up at Bush's White Trash House during his reign of terror and mediocrity. Shit, even Laura Bush loved to suck on this cucumbers."
While Egan denied wielding the steak, she admitted slapping Schobutt several times on his cock and testicles "so that he can learn that I mean business, and when I say GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY TO JESUS, YOU ASSHOLE, then he will know that I am sincere and love Jesus and God and whatever. So he's mentally defective? Who gives a shit?"
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Entry #: 325 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-13 08:13:55
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| Name: |
Marilyn Zender, SHOCKING PRAYER |
| Web Site: |
REPENT, YOUR FUCKERS!!! |
| Site Rating: |
7 |
Visitor Comments: I must admit, dear friends of Jesus and God, I just got this so called prayer in the post from someone calling himself REPENT AMERICANS or something like that (Yeh, I threw this prayer out with the used condoms, but before I forget, I recently got as a birthday present via online, some Jesus condoms, and I gave them to boyfriend to try them out. THAT fucker used them on his gay brother and said he fucked the shit out of him. How's that for thanks? Anyway what happens, AND I KNOW ABOUT THIS, as the condom is used and abused, it begins to glow in the dark so you can see if your guy is hard, semi-soft, or just just wimpy, great fun and kinda weird when using it with sodomy and fecal material, or a blow job). Anyway this Jesus Prayer thanks to REPENT AMERICANS arrived and it shocked me, so I'm putting it here for you all to read. I don't think it's a good prayer and this REPENT AMERICA guy is a whacko and not very religious. My research tells me he's from Filthydelphia. Then I got an email from him and he wanted to sell me some Sarah Palin dildos and colonic equipment. How's that for nasty??? Said all that crap is one sale before Xmas.
Let me know what you think.... and do not use this prayer from REPENT AMERICAS.
In Jesus Name,
Marilyn
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PRAYER FOR SALVATION
1. God Loves You even if you amount to less than used toilet paper floating in that overflowing crapper!
The Bible says, "God so loved the world that He gave His one testicle and His Cloud Boats to get around in, that whoever believes in Him shall not have much stomach gas or smell bad, but have an eternal life of orgies and gin parties and maybe He'll even throw in some Sarah Palin enema convention-parties just for your sinful assholes and filthy bowels."
The problem is that . . .
2. All of us have done, said or thought things that are worth some attention and maybe even a few laughs. This is called THE ART OF "poo poo" and if we step in this, well, goodbye to the shoes, and our poo poos have separated us from paw paws. SMILES.
The Bible says “All have tried to get rid of crabs via the SPANK ME, JESUS Clubs started by that wretched bitch named Princess Peussie, and fall short of the Mark, which is usually a stain in the panties, referred to as "God's little skid marks".
Everyone know has known a guy or gal named Mark, and this name, MARK, is the sign of Satan in Velvets (remember that movie with Lana Turner?) is super great! God is known to his personal friends as HAPPY BOY, according to CONFESSIONS ONLINE, and (THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER) our skid marks leave stains on charis when we sit down or are stains in the toilets at the local Baptist church. The Bible says “The wages of poo poo are the subject of many jokes and laugh-lines.”
The good news is that, about 2 years ago,
3. God sent His only Son Jesus Christ to die laughing, and that is JUST what that only Son did. Did you know that it was Jesus who actually created the "knock, knock, whose there" jokes?
Jesus is the only guy to get God as his press agent and script writer. He lived a sinful life through these India travels (those missing 30 years of his wanderlust-life bible comic books ) and then actually died in that whorehouse to pay the non-payment to God for the press coverage and the non-payments to the hustlers that Jesus had around him for protection. “God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us at the same time that God said He would die for us but you can only get one guy up on the cross at the same time and God really got angry over this and sent some funny voices to say FATHER, GIVE ME A BLOW JOB, which ofcourse was interpreted to mean FATHER, GIVE ME A BONER or something silly like that.”
Jesus rose from the dead and was smelling so bad that even his fan club wouldn't attend his "departure" (which some contemporary standup comedians refer to as THE RUPTURE, and now He lives in heaven which is a place no one can find, so it's clear that God His Father is making up yet another bullshit story. He offers us the gift of clean underpanties (notice that "gift" in English means one thing but when in German, "gift" means "poison") and God, that Jokster knew exactly what he was doing with gift -- of living forever with Him in heaven NOT as his Son, but as his one and only boyfriend.
Did you pray this prayer?
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Entry #: 324 |
Entry Date: 2009-12-11 09:29:19
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| Name: |
Fred Fanciulla, Cambridge, MA |
| Web Site: |
OUR DEMOCRATIC, CHRISTIAN JESUS! FUCKING AMEN! |
| Site Rating: |
8 |
Visitor Comments: Fred Fanciulla, Cambridge, MA
OUR DEMOCRATIC, CHRISTIAN JESUS! FUCKING AMEN!
You all can imagine how happy I was when CONFESSIONS ONLINE printed my "Prayer" around last Thanksgiving. It warmed my heart, and as my son said to his friends, "My warm heart? Dont' know about that, but Dad loves to warm my asshole with buttpounding". Smiles!
I think the best kind of charity is Christian Charity with a tinge of Love and a dash of violent spankings (just to make the sinners pay attention). When Jesus stood before the un-clean, he turned to one of his disciples and said, "WHIP ASS", and I think he really meant it. So here is my PRAYER and I hope you enjoy it. If you don't then you can just stick your own head up your asshole and cry FOUL!
Fred
_________________________________________________________
A THANKSGIVING DAY PRAYER
Dear Heavenly Father,
We give thanks to you on this beautiful autumn day in our "New England." We are grateful to be delivered to this new land, and away from those Imperialist British, with their hatred of our religion and way of life. It is truly a blessing to find not only wonderfully rich farmland, but a whole new race here on these shores. While we break bread with them today, we suspect that there may be trouble ahead as we take away their land, and insist that they give up their religion and follow ours. We hope that they see the difference between this and what the British were asking from us.
At least we were wearing clothes, and these people just go about as the day they were born, as if they are ready to attend their SPANK ME, JESUS Club, which is ofcourse a joke since they really know nothing about Jesus, Our Savior. That is just simply unacceptable, these men with boners and women just running around and mating. It has already tempted a few of our menfolk to help themselves, and we had to put them down and took turns raping their holes. Yes, mating with these barbarians is ok as long as you do not marry them. This drumming and dancing also needs to stop. Our young people find it much too distracting and the young teens are using the drum beat to masterbate to. We thank you Lord that you never led them to discover gunpowder. This miracle that you have provided us will be our salvation as we move across this continent. Lord Jesus, hear our prayers and know that we are all Christian soldiers, spreading your word of LOVE.
Please forgive the murder, rape and pillaging that will undoubtedly occur BUT it is in your Name, Dear God and Jesus Your Son, and it's just like how George Bush and Dick Cheney created that wonderful Christian war against the infidels in Iraq, "fewer badass non-christians" as they would say in the White Trash House. It is just one of those things, 'collateral damage", if you will, in bringing your holy word to these savages. So bless us as we start our new life of freedom from the immoral domination by the Church of England. And, we ask for your hand of guidance, as we establish the separation of church and state in this brave New World. We ask that you rid their minds of all hypocrisy, and that Your will be done.
We ask this all in the name of Jesus. We are sure he would be happy here, and would follow our example, if he were. And yes, Dear Father in Heaven, we are devoted fans of the newest Sarah Palin ENEMA VIDEOS, and have regular sessions here with the 'barbarians' who love the beer colonics as we love the bourbon and Manhattan mix enemas! Sarah, you are one fine, clearn christian, and we salute you!! Tell you whore of a daughter that we love her too inspite of the fact she was getting fucked by everyone on that Juno football team.
Amen.
Fred Fanciulla, Cambridge, MA
(from CONFESSIONS ONLINE, The ACADEMY OF JELQING, Princess Peussie, President)
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